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James s book is well written, with lots of evidence quoted to back up his view I also found it really useful reading about the different types of mother and how your own childhood experience affects your parenting not always in the ways you would predict However, I did find that his attitude to class income no one on a low income will be reading this book anyway really distasteful and I would have liked to have seenon the ways you can mitigate the effects of day care or evaluate its James s book is well written, with lots of evidence quoted to back up his view I also found it really useful reading about the different types of mother and how your own childhood experience affects your parenting not always in the ways you would predict However, I did find that his attitude to class income no one on a low income will be reading this book anyway really distasteful and I would have liked to have seenon the ways you can mitigate the effects of day care or evaluate its quality Unfortunately as a parent who can t afford a nanny and has no family members nearby, it s left me feeling very guilty about childcare plans however at least I am informed, I guess Are you confused by parenting advice from experts who contradict each other Concerned about the possible effects of being a working mother Terrified of turning into your own parents Parents today are overwhelmed with elaborate advice on how to raise babies In How Not to F Them Up leading child psychologist Oliver James argues that it s not our children that must be trained it s usMeticulously researched, inspiring and yet provocative, How Not to F Them Up raises important questions about the way in which we bring up our children Do we, as a society, provide enough support for parents How has the role of the father changed in recent years Can a working mum ever reconcile her career with her family life Drawing on extensive interviews, James identifies three basic types of mum the Hugger, the Organiser and the Fleximum Outlining the benefits and pitfalls of each, James offers simple strategies to reconcile parents personal ambition and desire for a career with the needs of the family and maintaining a work life balanceBy challenging our ingrained and often flawed beliefs, James shows us how our own childhood experiences can impact on our perception of the family , and how ultimately we can provide the happy, and stable, environment that all babies and toddlers need, regardless of our own upbringing I could rant about this book, but lets just keep it simple They need to change the title of this book to i m wealthy heres my personal sob story of finding the right hired help while i return to work just for fun That is all. I read this book whilst my wife was pregnant We now have a happy 5 month old little man In a nutshell there are two styles of parenting a baby 1 the baby is made to adapt to the parents lifestyle or 2 the parents adapt o the babies lifestyle To let the baby cry or not let the baby cry that is the question The author sides with option 2, and I tend to agree Babies know how to be babies, but first time parents have no idea how to be parents. I found his attitude towards low income mothers offensive and downright classist This book is nothing like They f you up, I guess it s only mildly useful if you re an upper middle class married woman with an interest in mommy wars, but it will teach you nothing about child psychology I was a fan of Oliver James but this book was extremely disappointing. I m SO glad I read this book I had no idea I was doomed to be a crap parent because my parents, like all other parents, were crap too I further had no idea that it was obligatory to hire an Eastern European nanny and then hate yourself for doing so AND the fact that I ate a mars bar when I was 7, finally explains why I keep punching people for no apparent reason I m genuinely delighted that I spent my hard earned money on buying this pish I have flexibly organised this book into my huggabl I m SO glad I read this book I had no idea I was doomed to be a crap parent because my parents, like all other parents, were crap too I further had no idea that it was obligatory to hire an Eastern European nanny and then hate yourself for doing so AND the fact that I ate a mars bar when I was 7, finally explains why I keep punching people for no apparent reason I m genuinely delighted that I spent my hard earned money on buying this pish I have flexibly organised this book into my huggable bucket i say mine, it was obviously my wife s hard end money This is an interesting expansion of his earlier work, Affluenza which I love , and most likely They F You Up which I haven t read Oliver James presents readers with three types of mother the Hugger, the Organiser and the Fleximum To over simplify and summarise, the Hugger is a stay at home Earth Mother, the Organiser is a career oriented user of substitute care and the Flexi changes approach as and when required James makes no bones about his bias towards the Hugger approach, but e This is an interesting expansion of his earlier work, Affluenza which I love , and most likely They F You Up which I haven t read Oliver James presents readers with three types of mother the Hugger, the Organiser and the Fleximum To over simplify and summarise, the Hugger is a stay at home Earth Mother, the Organiser is a career oriented user of substitute care and the Flexi changes approach as and when required James makes no bones about his bias towards the Hugger approach, but examines each thoroughly looking at the pros and cons of each.My main drawbacks with it are that 1 James repeats himself constantly Perhaps this is because he expects his readers not to read it from cover to cover and to just dip in to the sections of the book that are pertinent to them, an approach that he suggests is a wrong one Oliver James suggests that the reader read the whole thing 2 , I would prefer that he uses footnotes at the foot of the page, rather than an asterisk and reference at the back of the book Despite acknowledging that his readership is most likely to be educated middle class women, he saves us from learned interruptions of references 3 James keeps repeating that nothing is as bad as a child staying at home with a depressed mother, but doesn t explicitly say why I know that there is nothing wrong with the premise, but I would like to know what all the fuss is about Not surprisingly, he slates CBT and the perceived importance of genes to behaviour, and also the Labour government s sinking of millions of pounds into Surestart parent infant therapy would have been a sounder investment apparently He also promotes malleable as opposed to fixed notions of intelligence and talent A good way of focussing my mind on issues of motherhood and making me feel good about it to boot interesting in parts but overly simplistic and most case examples seemed to come from a very affluent, London centric bubble tried to make me feel very bad about my choice out of limited options of nursery care for my children when they were younger however according to him I am able to do the mental gymnastics necessary to sleep at night I think his view that the world is going to get better is hopelessly naive Most mothers I have spoken to arepragmatic aware that there are interesting in parts but overly simplistic and most case examples seemed to come from a very affluent, London centric bubble tried to make me feel very bad about my choice out of limited options of nursery care for my children when they were younger however according to him I am able to do the mental gymnastics necessary to sleep at night I think his view that the world is going to get better is hopelessly naive Most mothers I have spoken to arepragmatic aware that there are limited choices and we just have to make the best we can out of these Yes it would be fabulous if the working world were so arranged that I could be paid to take 3 years per child out of work and be guaranteed my job at the end of that plus enough of a pension at the end of my working life but until that nirvana exists stop blaming individual women for the decisions they are forced to make in a world designed by men for some men. If I could have given a 2 a half I would have I found this book interesting and do agree with some of his theories if not all, however I thought it was badly written and felt like it had been rushed and not edited properly There s quite a lot of repetition and occasionally I could see what he was trying to say but the way he put it could make it easily misconstrued and possibly taken badly.Not as good as his previous books If I could have given a 2 a half I would have I found this book interesting and do agree with some of his theories if not all, however I thought it was badly written and felt like it had been rushed and not edited properly There s quite a lot of repetition and occasionally I could see what he was trying to say but the way he put it could make it easily misconstrued and possibly taken badly.Not as good as his previous books This book is going to be upsetting for some because of the authors comments about day care and working mums..howevveeerrr as a work from home hugger style mum I found his confirmation that I am doing the right thing and advice about how to ignore the frequent critique I get from organiser style mums, very affirming and positive It s given me an insight into organiser style mums and helped me to realise that both parenting styles are valid depending on your personality type and childhoo This book is going to be upsetting for some because of the authors comments about day care and working mums..howevveeerrr as a work from home hugger style mum I found his confirmation that I am doing the right thing and advice about how to ignore the frequent critique I get from organiser style mums, very affirming and positive It s given me an insight into organiser style mums and helped me to realise that both parenting styles are valid depending on your personality type and childhood if you re unable to leave your baby with a relative or friend while you work and have no option but to put your baby into day care then this book will probably upset you, and I would recommend that you avoid it, or at least take it with a pinch of salt